So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
