I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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