I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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