I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
