Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
