My underwear smells like fireworks.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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