an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
