John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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