Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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