I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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