you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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