got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
