I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Acid is not a monday night drug
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
