her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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