I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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