How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
