Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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