My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
