Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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