Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
