My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Randomize
