Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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