we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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