I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
