Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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