and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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