I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
