That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He has the fingertips of a God
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