I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
