Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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