she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
