It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
