I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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