I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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