So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
