new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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