the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
