Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
