worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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