She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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