i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
