so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
