she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
