sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
