Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
