I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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