I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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