he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Small penises have feelings too.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
