dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
