When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
